Admittedly I have had a hard time writing anything lately. Mostly it's because I don't want to put down into words the awful truth: Michael lost his job. Actually, that's not the awful truth, although it is true that he lost his job about three weeks ago. The awful truth is that I am seriously struggling to believe that this could possibly be a good thing for Michael, me, or our family. I lack faith.
I do, however, have a very real sense that God reads my blog. Several weeks ago I wrote that I am boring. And it's true, I am. But I never meant that in any sort of complaining way. I absolutely adore being boring! I cherish complacency. I delight in stagnation, shallowness, and in showing no growth. It's comfy! Dear sister Dana had to go ahead and leave her comment, though, to be careful what I wish for, and now look at the roller-coaster ride we're on! Add to the fun of no money, honey, the still broken washing machine, the doctor telling me to bring Lane back in for a blood draw to make sure that he doesn't have leukemia (we went, and he doesn't), a lovely diagnosis for me of a urinary tract and kidney infection, and the starter going out on the van.
On a happier note, I did make the most incredible version of Shepherd's Pie known to man (no green beans, Lindsay!), and Lane made it on the high school soccer team. I do realize that making dinner and making the soccer team are in no way on the same level of awesome-ness, but dang! That casserole was good!
Anyway, a few days back I had a moment--okay, full evening--of emotional breakdown: tears, sobbing, snotty nose, wailing and gnashing of teeth--the whole bit. I was bemoaning our fate and my failure to see any way out of it. Moreover, I was, and still am to a point, questioning the whole point and purpose of such silly trials. I mean, really, can't God just tell us what we're supposed to learn or where we're supposed to go, and we'll do it? I'm a generally obedient child! I did Cub Scouts for 3 years, didn't I? What greater proof is there than that?
In my whining I thought about all those churchy stories where people go to the scriptures and, just opening up to random passages, find answers to all their questions and queries. "Ha!" I thought, "That never happens to me. I bet it's not even real!" I knew I was being bratty, but I was feeling pretty angry, so I continued on with my petty tirades for a while longer, until I actually opened up the scriptures. And found some...not quite answers...but definite personal applications. Since they're my "answers," I'm going to hold on to them for just a little bit longer, but I will tell you they were in 2 Nephi 4 and Jacob 5. I will also tell you that I felt pretty amazed to find out and feel that God was listening, even to my tantrum. Even to my brattiness.
So, though I'm still completely unsure as to what's going to happen and why in the world we're experiencing this particular adventure called no-job, I am also holding on to the pinprick of light that I can't seem to deny or diminish with logic. God knows me, hears me, helps me. I am grateful.
3 comments:
I know our parents went through these same trials, and as families-we came through relativly unscathed. I know not why the Lord chooses financial hardship to teach us, perhaps because it truly compels us into a more humble state. I'm with you, however, in that i would love to just be instructed as to what i need to change, learn, or do- and skip the whole question of, "so, do we just let the bank foreclose? or what?" I take comfort in knowing that i'm not alone in my penniless plight!
The actual truth is that all of it is good for us, getting the hoped-for job or losing it, being cast or not, making the team or not, having good health or not, machines that work or break, getting compliments or criticism, having plenty of money or none. All of our experiences provide opportunities to learn. Sometimes what we learn and the changes that are wrought in us are dramatic. In my experience - and I have lots of experience in the "penniless plight", to use Trish's phrase - what is usually learned is more patience. And there's the opportunity to exercise faith, which is always more difficult during times of trial than when everything is peachy keen. So, as the saying goes, when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (Sitting on a knot hurts, but falling splat would hurt more.) I love you!
keri..i am always amazed by your resilience and your brilliance. you are so gifted as a writer...so maybe that is your calling..i would buy a book written by you..or go to a stand up comedy night at you are the star of..
think big. dream big. and life goes on...
i love you!
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